Its December 13th 2006 and I have 1 week left of being alone and depressed. Im soo sick of waking up from my dreams and only dead silence. I cant stand it anymore!!! It sucks and there are no words I can say to paint you a mental picture of the emotional rollercoaster Ive been on since March 2nd 2005. Someone I look up to and love very much paid me a visit last Thursday. She was with her Dad. I feel like I could of done something to help her before it was too late. But, she lost her battle. I wanted to cry, but if I would of cried I would made her feel it all over again. Shes been through sooo much. I miss the old days when I was living with her and I woke up to her getting ready to go out and run her lil "MUCK" And I wish she knew exactly the way I feel, but I seen her for the first time in over a year and my excitement over rid my words. Kevin is on his way home to me and I cant wait. My Nightmare is over shortly. I dont know how much hes changed or how much different he will look, but I do know Im counting on my faith that when I look into his eyes I will still see the man I fell in love with over 3 years ago. Him and I have been through it seems like 30 years of emotions and experiences. But through it all weve stuck to eachothers love. Its tough walking by myself and knowing that its just 1 week away and all I want to do is sleep untill its time. I see all kinds of couples and wanting him to be here NOW! I find myself often drifting off to where everything was ok . Hes taught me soo much about myself that seemed to appear like magic, I just want to hold him in my arms and not let go. I never thought I was going to have to go through having the love of my life ripped from my hands, but when it happened I didnt know what to do. I didnt think he was actually happen. I turned 21 on Sunday Dec. 10th. Same day as his deceased brother. Ive been so caught up in stuff I forgot. Im trying soo hard to make it right, to have stuff we didnt have when my world was "PERFECT" My job wasnt cutting it, so I let it go, I got my CA ID, Im trying to open a bank account for us, but I failed at that. I dont know why, but my sister seems to think that he used to beat me up, but shes twisting facts. I keep telling her that he never hit me, but she doesnt believe me. I feel that she wants everything to be OK between her and the one she loves, and shes using that to "flip the script" Hopefully I will make it out to the County Jail to see a good friend of mine. Hes been locked up since Last Nov. It sucks. Wish I could bail him out. He has to wait till next year to go to trial. Which isnt right. I got Kevin some stocking stuffers, I want to get him alot more, but Im not sure how thats going to work out, considering my circumstances with $ MONEY$ - Everyones favorite word these days. I want to become a Home Provider. But I have to walk the steps for that too. It feels good to write down either on paper or type it out on the computer how you feel and whats really going on. I wish everyone A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!! )

Love- ****Vanilla-Skies76****